Thunderstorm

Tonight, despite 88 degree weather, there is thunder and lightning outside my window. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's greeting the one month anniversary of my time in DC with some apprehension, or maybe it's a streak of homesickness, but I'm finding it a difficult night to fall asleep. I haven't ever been afraid of thunderstorms, but this one feels like it's enveloping me- surrounding me completely. When I lay my head down I feel the thunder and its vibrations. It's very overwhelming. I feel small and unprotected. What's worse is that it came out of nowhere, just as I was finishing up a conversation and planning on bidding the world goodnight. I suppose I can see it as the weather reacting to the thunderstorm that's been in my head the past few days. I've been thinking about a lot of things but just to avoid a blog novel, I'll write about what is most relevant to what my blog has been thus far.


The more I work here, attending networking events with over-qualified people looking for jobs that never seem to come and learning to involuntarily categorize people by degree and major, my anxiety problem eats away at me from the inside more than ever. I have been always anxious for the next step, so I chose to graduate early- to get ahead. And now, I am already thinking post-graduation. But what's next? I don't know at all. I don't have the slightest clue. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I put it all there myself. I don't really how else to do it, I've always been this way. Why am I in such a rush? I hate this. But ask me to slow down and I'll refuse the idea instantly. Sometimes I wish I could be ten again- but then I remember that I hated being ten. I was never cool enough and my hair was way too frizzy. But I hated fifteen, too. I was too young to be taken seriously and too old to be irresponsible. Twenty? Well, I'm not even there yet. I just can't help and ask myself this: Will I truly revel in the best years of my life?


I send my apologies to any older, more knowledgeable readers. The outbursts of a 19 year old must be silly to you, but I still lack the wisdom life has given you. I think it is nights like this, in my most vulnerable state of mind, that my fears overwhelm me. Even in a world full of people we love, we can feel so alone at times. And an uninvited thunderstorm can only make it worse.



And please, continue to send your prayers, thoughts, and love Kevin's way since he has yet to regain consciousness.